Mind Fuck after Sexual Assault

Fear of possibly never fully trusting human touch

 

Not feeling safe to hug, shake hands, make eye contact

 

Hating my body for having grown a life afterwards

 

Feeling as though I am not allowed to have sexual desire, intimacy, or even compassion

 

Realizing the fact that previous men who took advantage when I was younger makes me more

 

susceptible now because I wouldn’t be able to remember it

 

Knowing the unworthiness of my physical self because I am seen as a prize, possession, fuck

 

doll

 

Being thankful the life didn’t fully grow inside of me, because it wasn’t made out of love

 

Wondering which part of the undeveloped body is coming out of me when it hurts to stand

 

Thinking that all of this is something I deserved because I didn’t keep my legs crossed or folded,

 

wearing too colorful of clothing, wearing baggy clothing to purposefully look unattractive which

 

only made me an easier target, saying hi. to anyone, accidentally saying hi to the wrong person,

 

thinking for one moment that I have complete power or control of my life which in turn makes

 

me even more valuable possession to conquer

 

Fear that people may lash out after reading this from a lack of belief from family or friends

 

Torment over the fact that these words can create arousal  

 

The ambivalence of wanting to speak but being afraid of who you will hurt or who will listen

 

Knowing the relationship should have ended after asking the partner if he liked that I

 

sounded like I was in pain during intimacy, and they said I don’t know

 

Mistrusting myself for any feelings of desire, love, compassion, intimacy  

 

The fact that I am still breathing, and he is still out there

NO means NO

There should be NO negotiation for sex, finances, conversation

 

There should be NO oh it’s just the tip, oh it’s just one question, oh it’s just one drink  

 

There should be NO just one look, just one kiss, just one touch

 

There should be NO there’s this one band, there’s this one party, there’s this one dude you

 

should meet

 

There should be NO you asked for it, you drank too much, you didn’t say NO

 

 

Realize

That moment

you kiss after a fight,

And there’s still a surge of lighting between your lips

 

That moment you realize you love someone,

More than……..

 

That moment where every fabric, every door knob, every chair

Has some wonderful nauseating fun fact

About yourselves

 

That moment you truly knew this person when you were strangers,

Yet, the inevitable repetitious days made them .shift

 

That moment you awake from dreaming how they touched you,

Just to hold the memory

 

That moment you can still feel thedelicate trace of their fingers

On your arms

Your lips

Your neck

Your thigh

 

That moment you see new lines on their face,

That, no longer see You 

 

That moment you kiss,

And you feel the spite

 

That moment when you know what you shared

is dead,

And you can’t see the exit past your eyelashes  

 

That moment you realize you’re the only one in the game,

because you don’t want too loose

 

That moment in a fit of anxiety you hear a clock

ticking down, the hours, the days your apart, Because

Once again

you’re alone

 

That moment you can still feel the trace of their fist

On your biceps

Your chin

Your neck

Your chest

 

 

That moment you find your yourself caressing your own face,

To chase the memory of their loving hands.

 

That moment you wake up on the couch,

Noticing the cushion felt more like a hug

 

That moment when seconds need to be longer,

just so that you can hear the crack in their voice when they smile

 

That moment where you feel the emptiness in every embrace,

Like an iron pressing to a board

 

A lifeless daily routine

 

That moment, … you catch yourself smiling,

Their sent was on an old jacket,

Which caresses you for the day

 

That moment, … you realize

There have more endured than nutrients

Today

This week

This month

This year

 

That moment, … you look in the mirror

When there is a demon

Wearing your skin

 

That moment you realize you’re the one holding the tiger,

And the ticking finally stops