Mind Fuck after Sexual Assault

Fear of possibly never fully trusting human touch

 

Not feeling safe to hug, shake hands, make eye contact

 

Hating my body for having grown a life afterwards

 

Feeling as though I am not allowed to have sexual desire, intimacy, or even compassion

 

Realizing the fact that previous men who took advantage when I was younger makes me more

 

susceptible now because I wouldn’t be able to remember it

 

Knowing the unworthiness of my physical self because I am seen as a prize, possession, fuck

 

doll

 

Being thankful the life didn’t fully grow inside of me, because it wasn’t made out of love

 

Wondering which part of the undeveloped body is coming out of me when it hurts to stand

 

Thinking that all of this is something I deserved because I didn’t keep my legs crossed or folded,

 

wearing too colorful of clothing, wearing baggy clothing to purposefully look unattractive which

 

only made me an easier target, saying hi. to anyone, accidentally saying hi to the wrong person,

 

thinking for one moment that I have complete power or control of my life which in turn makes

 

me even more valuable possession to conquer

 

Fear that people may lash out after reading this from a lack of belief from family or friends

 

Torment over the fact that these words can create arousal  

 

The ambivalence of wanting to speak but being afraid of who you will hurt or who will listen

 

Knowing the relationship should have ended after asking the partner if he liked that I

 

sounded like I was in pain during intimacy, and they said I don’t know

 

Mistrusting myself for any feelings of desire, love, compassion, intimacy  

 

The fact that I am still breathing, and he is still out there